Sticks and Stones
by DragonGirl90
Summary: Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. only a child believes that, words can kill, but does that mean they have to?


**Oh, how this got so out of control, i was trying to work on my yet _unfinished_ *leathal glare at Xilon* stories but this came to my head, it started because i heard some kids that go to day care in the elemntary eduaction part of my college say the sticks and stones thing, i used to use it too, it doesn't work well a fist to those jerks faces works better but is liable to get you in a differnt sort of trouble... anyway, it was only ment to be a page or two... and then it sort of grew... and now i may write a sequal to it... Danm it Xilon at least finish the other stories first!**

**Xilon: i will do as i please human, and you must deal with it Muahahahahahahaha**

***smack* if you're not careful i will start Xilon torture!**

**Xilon: *smirk* and how do you plan on doing that with out my cooperation?**

***smirk back* meet any of my friends recently?**

**Xilon: uh... hmmm... i shall think about this... ok thought about, not until you appologize to me for being an ass!**

**i shall not, you are an equal if not biger ass and i refuse to be the bigger man here, you can be it because i have enough on my plate than being mature around my muse damn it! **

***cough* anyway, that aside, i don't own FMA and all that jazz, please read and review!**

Sticks and Stones.

_Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me._

Al wanted to punch whoever had come up with that most ridiculous phrase; it was so wrong, so very wrong. It was nothing more than a meaningless mantra that a kid might use to make themselves feel better without really doing any good.

Words were so powerful and so deadly, and what was worse is that they wounded you where no one could heal you. They left wounds festering where the sun could never shine, where no eyes could ever see, and there was no way to close wounds like that. Sure time could sometimes make it so they didn't bleed so freely, but a small nudge could rip them open without any hesitation.

And right now Al was suffering from the effects of some particularly deadly words, poisonous words that should never have been created, let alone used. And the worst part by far was that they were his own words, words that he had said in anger and without thought. He didn't mean them, he never could have meant them, but they had been said, and nothing could make them unsaid. It was as futile as trying to revive the dead.

The dead… Al stopped his pacing and looked through the glass to the operating room where his brother lay pale, still, bloody, broken, _dying_, as doctors worked franticly around him trying to apply all of their medical knowledge to save him. He looked so small, he'd hate that of course if it had been said out loud, but it was true, and it was particularly horrifyingly amazing to see how small and fragile someone could look when they were unable to _breathe_ on their own and had to have a tube pushed down their throat to fill their lungs for them.

Three hours ago, three hours ago Al had said what never should be said to anyone, and said it to the most important person in his life, his world, his friend, his confidant, his companion, his _brother._ "I'm sorry" Al muttered softly resuming his pacing as his thoughts drifted back to three hours ago, like they had off and on ever since then, when he knocked his own world off its axis perhaps irreparably.

The memories came to his mind first in black and white, with a grainy texture, like watching a really old movie, but there was sound, though it was muted and slightly distorted. He saw it like he was floating overhead, as if he were not the strange and hateful creature he knew was going to make an appearance soon.

"so I figure that we catch a train this afternoon and we never actually have to tell him anything about this, if he asks then we can just blame it on train delays" Ed said as he rummaged through a pile of clothes, in just his pants pulling out a shirt and sniffed it, he looked thoughtful for a moment before he shrugged and pulled the shirt over his head and trying to smooth out the wrinkles in the black tank top.

Al sighed knowing the tone Ed was using meant that he would have to be physically dragged to the phone before he would call and say they might be a few day's late to their destination and decided to let the topic they had been discussing drop for now."Brother, what do you have against laundry?" Al asked instead looking up from the book he had been reading.

"Nothing, just don't see the need to do it if the clothes are still clean enough" Ed shrugged "why, it bother you?"

"Well, I can't smell you, so not particularly, I'm more concerned for other people" Al sighed marking his place in the book and putting it down.

Ed lowered his head the all too familiar expression of grief and guilt clouding his face. That was where the Al that was watching the memory knew he should have stopped, he should have seen that look, and let the thing die there; however that was not how it had gone. "I know, I'm working on it, you know I am" Ed said "you'll have your body back soon, I promise" he looked up with a painfully forced smile on his face.

"It has been almost six years now right?" Al said softly looking out the window. Ed winced like he had been hit physically, or at least expected to be hit.

"Yeah…" he said sounding a bit choked like his throat was constricting or something. "Something like that"

"And how many times have you said that it will all be alright soon?" Al sighed again wistfully "how many times have you made and remade that promise to me? How many dead ends? How close have we ever really come?"

"…" Ed looked confused and hurt, oh so hurt, and desperate. "… I know, I know, but I mean it's not like what we need is something simple…" he said looking sullen "but, but that's not to say I won't get it, it was my mistake and I'm gonna fix it if it kills me!" Ed added hastily as if realizing how the first statement had sounded too much like a whining kid.

"Kills you? That seems to be close to what has happened a lot. For someone who complains so bitterly about hospitals you sure seem intent on going there a lot." Al said looking back at his brother. "What if you die before we get our bodies back? What if we never _can_ get our bodies back?"

Ed looked down again, hiding behind his hair but the fact that he was chewing his bottom lip was clear to Al. He worked his mouth to try and form words but Al interrupted him before he got anything out.

"And you were right, you were the one that came up with trying to revive mom, and pushed on even after all teacher said about life only flowing one way, and against my protest!" Al said "I'm tired of this body Ed! I am losing my memories, I can't remember what it feels like to have the sun, or wind, or rain, or anything touch my skin, and I can't remember lots of people from home other than Winry and Pinaco! I can't remember mom's face anymore, or her voice, I can't remember what games we used to play! I can't remember what food smells like or tastes like, and I have all night to think about all these things I can't do any more while you sleep like a log! You get to escape at night! I can't, I can't do anything! I'm beginning to think I'm not even human anymore, and the more we learn about the homunculi and about the impossibility of human transmutation the more I think that I can't be who you and everyone else tells me I am!"

"… you're right, but Al… you're my younger brother, you should never doubt that…" Ed sounded strangled again and looked up desperate "I understand how hard that must be"

"How in the world could you know?" Al growled coldly. This was where the watching Al saw a color creeping into the scene, red, blood red, like the terrible color of the liquid that spotted his brother as he lay on the surgery table and belonged inside him. Everything was red, like it had all been painted in that morbid and terrifying color. "How could you even begin to understand what I go though? I'm only a year younger than you but everyone thinks that I'm some sort of freak!" Al growled standing up and towering over his older brother who took a tiny frightened step backward in submission. "You think you can possibly understand this?! You are still mostly human, two limbs doesn't come close! Why was it me who lost everything?! Why couldn't you have let me be with mom, instead of bringing me back as this, this thing?!"

"Al…" Ed looked stricken "I'm sor-"

"Oh not that again, you over use that so much that has no meaning anymore" Al growled he put his hands together like people do when mocking someone for being girly or lovey dovey, and put a higher pitch to his voice "oh Al, I'm so sorry" he mocked dropping his hands to his side "yeah like that makes everything ok" he growled darkly "sorry isn't anywhere near enough!"

"…your rig-"

"Yes, yes Edward, do placate me, oh I'm sorry but you don't want to hear it so I'm gonna agree with you, like that is any better?" Al growled "I don't want to hear that either! I don't want words! Words don't mean anything! I want results! I want my body! I want this to all be over, I don't want to see _you_ wake up every morning and think if today is the day! Either prove to me it can be done or quit trying to give me false hope because it hurts Edward Elric! It hurts! It hurts like nothing you could ever know! And even if you could, you could never put up with it anywhere near as long as you have made me do it!"

Ed shook like a leaf staring helplessly at his brother and tears leaked down his face as his mouth was open in shock. "Al… I, I'm trying… I am… please"

"Sometimes I hate you so much Edward Elric, I hate you so much I never want to see you again!" Al growled and the watching Al wanted to kill that monster that was hurting his brother so dearly, bringing that terrible ax down on his poor brother who had made a mistake but tried so very hard to fix it, and of course even a blind and deaf man could tell that much. But the monster was not at all satisfied yet. Ed stood there looking like he had just been stabbed in the heart, the watching Al thought morosely that perhaps that would have been a softer blow, less painful and less damaging that what had been said and would come in seconds. "I wish you'd just die already sometimes! I never wanted any of this, it was your doing! All of it, Dad leaving, and when he did return _who_ chased him away again, and Mom, and this body, the military, the homunculi, Nina, Leor, Hughes, everything, and I don't want to spend time worrying that someone will find out what _you_ turned me into, and make _me_ a test subject because of it! Everything would have been so much better for everyone you have ever come in contact with if you had never existed!"

The scene suddenly took on brighter than life colors for the watching Al, everything was in stunning detail, more detail that should have been present in real life, like he could see everything like through a magnifying glass or microscope and saw every little detail of everything while not losing sight of the whole.

Ed didn't look hurt anymore, he didn't look shocked, he didn't look confused, he looked devastated, he looked broken, and re-broken, and glued back together only to be smashed even harder and then those parts were again smashed then thrown out and burnt to a crisp, and the ashes drowned in the ocean. He trembled lowering his head breathing heavily before he became stock still and looked up, his face completely blank, devoid of any emotion and his eyes so dull they looked dead. "Thanks" he said barely audible, with a voice as dead as his eyes "for telling me the truth finally" he added turning and walking to the door slowly. "Bye, Alphonse" he said softly turning back from the door when he reached it, before he opened it and walked in that same slow heavy way down the hall.

"Go after him you moron! How dare you say that! Go after him he's gonna do something stupid because of you! Go get him, and tell him the real truth!" Al the watcher growled at his memory self that stood there as still as if no soul inhabited and animated the armor.

Al the watcher began crying, because in his disembodied watching state he thought of himself as if he was in his body, knowing what the next memory would be. It would be two hours later when he would finally calm down enough to notice and care that Ed had not retuned yet. Two hours before he would go looking for Ed on the rainy streets. Two hours way too late.

The memory faded to gray before forming into a gray city street soaked in rain and Al watched helplessly from his third person position. Al wandered around quickly calling Ed's name looking every direction before he sighed and gave up walking at a fast pace to the outskirts wondering where his brother had gotten off to.

He was lost in thought with that first memory of the evil, vile, words, but it hadn't affected him as much as it was now, because he didn't know yet. When he noticed that there was bright red in the river he had been walking by. It was coming from upstream, and Al ran forward before he found the cause. Ed lay bloody and still in a shallow muddy pool, more of a very wide puddle with a slight current than a pool really, that connected to the river, above the pool was a cliff, a cliff that Ed had found and jumped from. Jumped and landed on the hard ground, the sharp rocks, and the cold water that carried his blood away and kept his wounds from clotting up at the same time. Ed lay on his side, eyes closed, his mouth open slightly letting muddy water wash in it, and his flesh arm was bent at an odd angle underneath him. He looked like a rag doll that someone had tossed aside, that _Al _had tossed aside. Al rushed forward to pull Ed out of the water, shaking him, calling his name desperate for any sign of life. But Ed's head lolled limply his hair brownish from blood and dirt waving across his still and pale face, spattered with his blood, and a look of such infinite pain, sadness, and guilt etched into his face. "Brother, no…" Al gasped "you can't be dead… you can't die… you can't"

Al gave up trying to shake his brother up and hurried to the hospital praying to some power, any power that his brother was not yet dead, that he wouldn't die, because he couldn't, not before Al at least had a chance to apologize, and to tell him how good, and brave, and loved, and just plain wonderful he was. Not before Al could tell him that no one in the world could hope to be so lucky as to have Ed as a sibling because any hardship life may throw at you was nothing in comparison to the absolute and undeniable good fortune of that event, of the honor and _privilege_ of being able to say that 'Edward Elric is my brother so there!'

Ed lay limp, boneless, moving slightly when Al jostled him slightly from running, though Al tried to keep that to a minimum lest he hurt his brother more than he already had. He was reminded horribly of another night, another run through the rain carrying a broken, bloody, dying Edward to where there was help hopefully, the first night in this body.

Al burst into the hospital and even though he couldn't articulate much beyond "Help, please, he's dying, please help him, help my brother!" which was a bit squished together and the pronunciation was off due to panic and desperation, as well as the tears in his voice, the secretary at the front desk just needed to take one look at the bloody body Al was holding and called the ER personnel to take Ed from Al and rush him to the operating room.

Al watched the stretcher they had brought, and Ed on it disappear through a set of doors that were marked 'authorized personnel only' and felt suddenly, desperately alone, as if he would never see Ed again. "Brother…" Al whimpered falling to his knees. The front desk secretary walked over to him and laid a hand on his shoulder causing him to look up at her.

"Hey there, I hate to ask this right now, but it would help a lot if you could answer some questions about your brother for us." Al nodded taking the clipboard she held out and filling in the data on Ed they needed, before he handed it back. "Thank you, if you want to see what they are doing, take the door on the left, then walk down the hall and take the third door on your right, it will lead to an observation room, for the room where he is" she said looking sympathetic. Al barely managed a 'thank you' before he darted to the room desperate to see Ed, to know that he wasn't in the morgue yet.

And that brought Al back to himself, pacing the hospital corridor, glancing again at the surgeons trying to save his brother.

'He probably hates me' Al thought 'no… he should, but he probably hates himself, he thinks I'm perfect' he added sadly 'and worse he probably thinks I hate him, he probably did that because I told him I wanted him dead, he… he is… so stupid… I am not worth it… but he…he thinks I am, and more' Al had a feeling that if he had a real body he would be bawling and choking on his tears and sobs, that the doctors would have to inject a sedative into him, like he had seen them do to some parents that had injured kids brought in when they freaked out. But he couldn't cry, and even if he freaked out they wouldn't be able to inject him with a sedative, and even if they tried they would find out about his body, or lack thereof. Al contemplated that, if Ed died, then there was no point in hiding it, he might just expose himself, show the world what a monster he was, the monster that killed his own brother, his brother who had tried to be nothing but good to him, his brother who only allowed Al to know his weaknesses, who only willingly submitted to Al and no one else, his brother who loved him so dearly.

Al looked at his hands, smudged with his brother's blood. He was a suit of armor, armor was supposed to protect someone from harm, so why did it seem that ever since he had been put in this armor he did nothing but hurt Ed. Every time Ed saw him he was reminded that his little brother didn't have a real human body, and Ed put himself in so much danger, and became a dog of the military, and took on all the hate that came with it, just to try and help Al. Ed always seemed either hurt, or recovering from some injury now a days. Al clenched his hands into fists, what good was armor that couldn't protect one person, that couldn't even perform its most basic and fundamental function even with the aid of a human soul to help it do its job?

There was a sudden extra urgency to the flurry of movement in the operating room that caught Al's attention again and it was then that he saw the heart monitor connected to Ed was showing only a long unbroken straight line. He couldn't hear anything in the room he was in but he knew the machine was giving off a steady, high pitched screech. Even if he didn't know what that meant, even if he didn't know what the crash cart that they were bringing over was for, Al would have been able to tell what had happened.

Ed's heart had stopped. Ed was dead. Ed might not come back.

Al watched nervously as the doctors prepared the paddles that would send electricity through his brother's chest in hopes of starting his heart up again. Ed's body jolted but still the line remained flat on the machine, they tried again and the same result met them.

'No! Please NO!' Al thought desperately 'Mom, please don't take him yet, please don't take him away from me! I'm sorry, I know I don't deserve to be so selfish and take him away from you. I know that you'd take care of him, and that he would be safe with you. But please don't take him yet, please, not before I at least have a chance to tell him I'm sorry, that I love him so much, more than anything! Don't let him die thinking I hate him, that I want him gone forever, because nothing could be further from the truth!' Al thought putting a hand to the glass as if he could transmit his will for Ed to live through the glass and to his brother. The doctors looked like they were about to give up and stop trying to bring him back when the last jolt was met with a small beep on the monitor, and another, small, weak, slow, but there, he was alive again for now.

Al let out a sigh of relief as if he actually had been holding breath and let it out when Ed was revived. 'Don't die brother, please don't die.'

Al collapsed into one of the small plastic chairs as if his body needed to collapse from a release of built up tension and exhaustion. He lost track of time completely before one of the nurses knocked on his shoulder and he looked up. She smiled softly "you were the one that brought in that young blond boy right?" she said, Al just nodded "well then, if you want I can take you to his room." She said Al nodded again and stood following her not having even realized that they had moved Ed from the operating room.

She led him to a small private hospital room and let him in. He saw his brother lying on the bed looking fractionally better than he had on the operating table. They had cleaned him up; his skin and his hair no longer were coated in blood and grime. He was dressed in the standard light blue hospital shirt and pants outfit instead of his torn, bloody, soaked clothes. Over his mouth and nose was a plastic mask providing him with clean oxygenated air, but at least he was breathing on his own again. He was still hooked up to a heart monitor beeping gently with each beat of his heart. There were tubes leading to his left wrist, one attached to a bag of bright crimson fluid in a bag, the other to a bag of clear liquid that more likely than not also contained a heavy dose of pain medication along with other things. There were bandages visible on his chest under the shirt. His left arm, from a little below the elbow, to just before the shoulder was casted, broken then Al thought. And though Ed's face was no longer twisted horribly into that look of guilt, pain, and sadness, it wasn't what Al would call peaceful either.

"We-" the nurse began but Al interrupted her.

"I'm sorry but I don't think I can take hearing what problems you had to fix for him right now, I just want to know if my brother is going to be alright" Al said desperately trying to keep himself composed and knowing if he heard the list of his brother's injuries that he wouldn't be able to stay in control.

She nodded in understanding "we were able to stabilize him" she said "however, he's slipped into a coma, and we can't tell when, or if, he will wake up. It also appears that he hit his head quite hard, there may be brain damage even if he does wake up." she added looking apologetic for delivering such bad news.

Al nodded numbly looking at his brother; he felt for sure that if he had a throat that could constrict then it would be completely closed hearing that his brother might never wake up again, and that even if he did, his brilliant mind might be damaged in any number of ways.

"I'll leave you alone with him, if you need anything you can push that button near the nightstand" she said leaving. Al walked over to his brother's side pulling up a wooden chair and sitting next to the bed looking at his brother's still body.

Al took Ed's left hand gently in one of his large gauntlets squeezing gently and being careful to not move the arm too much as he searched for words that might help fix this mess he had caused and wondered at how those awful killer words came so easily and seemed to hold so much power, while strong good words were hard to find and completely inadequate to the tasks they needed to do. "Big Brother, please wake up soon, I'm so sorry, I never meant any of what I said earlier, I love you so much." Ed did not stir.

Al brushed a few strands of hair from Ed's face contemplating the most powerful good words he might use. And wondering at the strength of particular words in general, even ones like those that had done this to his brother.

There was 'Brother' Ed loved that, when Al called him that. He never said it out loud of course, but Al could see it all the same, every time Al called him 'Brother' Ed's eyes shone brilliantly. No matter what else was going on, Ed was made at least a little happier when Al used that word. Really they both knew 'Brother' was just a shortening of 'Big Brother' the full phrase about ten times stronger though when used. Al thought about it and realized that he had only really started calling Ed 'Brother' or 'Big Brother' since their mother's death. Before that he normally called Ed, Ed, sometimes Edward, only occasionally calling him anything else. And he now almost never called Ed anything other than 'Brother' it was a title of honor that Ed valued very highly.

Thinking about using his real name, particularly his full name, Al realized that usually he only used those anymore when he wanted Ed to really listen, like when he was being stupid and pig headed, or to calm his rage when his temper was triggered beyond it's normal boiling point when Ed became really dangerous instead of just flailing around like a little kid in a temper tantrum. And he _never_ used Ed's full first and last name… except when he was really angry at Ed… Al gasped realizing that when he had shouted at Ed earlier that he had done that. And that he had stopped calling Ed, Brother.

Then there were the evil words, of course, like most kids Ed and Al had both been lectured occasionally about how 'hate' was a very strong word when they were young and their mother was still alive. And 'hate' was particularly strong when used by someone that the victim of such a word trusted unconditionally Al thought darkly.

Then there 'death' and all its conjugations and synonyms, to anyone death was something to be avoided, and stood as the ultimate finality. To them, death was all the more real, they knew the finality, and had seen far too much of it. And to wish death on anyone, that was a terrible thing, while the flow of life, inevitably ended in death, and while the world would go on no matter how many died, that the body would break down into its components and be used by other things to live, it was still not something you should wish on anyone.

Al shook his head trying, rather unsuccessfully, to get those dark thoughts out of his head; he kept playing the words he had said to Ed over and over in his head. He had to laugh sadly when he remembered that he had told his brother that words were meaningless… oh how wrong that was.

Of course Ed was about action; Al thought maybe it was because Ed knew words were so strong, so he didn't use them when it really counted for fear of misusing them. No one else saw it, no one else was _allowed_ to see it, but ever since the failed transmutation of their mother Ed had developed a deep mistrust of himself, Al saw it, Ed would ask his opinion much more often on even rather simple things, and if Al disagreed then Ed would back down. Of course if other people were around it was different, Ed put on the mask of being head strong and perhaps over confident in his own abilities. Ed had never voiced the mistrust he had in himself out loud, weather it was because he didn't notice it, or he didn't want to seem like he couldn't take care of his younger brother, Al didn't know, but he could see the mistrust was there, and Al could only assume that it was a terror of messing up like they had that night again that caused it.

"Big Brother" Al sighed deciding that mulling was not good for him right now; he stroked Ed's hair gently with one hand, the other still holding Ed's hand, hoping that maybe as long as he held onto Ed that he would wake up soon and not leave.

_He knew, he knew, he knew, HE KNEW!_

_Well really how could he not, I mean he lives with me for crying out loud. _

I leaned against the building outside the outer door to the hotel we had been staying at wondering where I was planning on going, I couldn't go back there… and I only had a tank top and my pants, I didn't even have my watch or wallet, I had nothing. Which was probably fitting, I deserved nothing.

Al hadn't said anything I hadn't already known, so why did it hurt so much? Oh right because now I couldn't just pretend that I didn't know, I couldn't pretend that I was unable to see it, or tell myself that I was just being overly critical. I had to go somewhere, before I got yelled at for loitering, how long had I stayed here already? Half an hour perhaps, must be, anyway that also settled it, Al would have come looking for me if it were just in a temper, he knew, and he finally realized what a terrible person I was.

I pushed off from the wall and looked up at the window that belonged to the room Al was in, I couldn't see him; he wasn't looking out the window. "I love you Al," I whispered hoping that maybe he would come to the window and tell me to get out of the rain or something, he didn't. I sighed and walked down the rainy streets hands in my pockets. He deserved so much better than me for a brother. He deserved everything, and I could only bring him pain, I could only bring anyone pain, I was a curse on anyone I met.

"Hey there kid! You'll get sick if you stay out in this weather!" I looked up seeing a man shouting at me from the window of one of the homes. "I'm sure your mom is worried about you little guy"

I nodded blankly, I didn't have the energy to tell him he was a moron, I had killed my mother, and I hated being called little… but not for the reason people might think, and walked on.

It all stemmed back to what Al had pointed out earlier, I was such a horrible monster, I hurt everyone I met, and more often than not my attempts to fix it ended in even bigger disasters. People saw me as a little kid, because I was below average height. They saw me as someone to be protected and comforted when I didn't deserve either. They thought that I was innocent, and they were lured into a false sense of security, they figured that I was someone that it was safe to be around. I wasn't. I wasn't anything like that, I was a demon, and evil terrible demon clothed in the guise of some stupid little kid. And none of them could see it; Al could though, at least now, no wonder he had been so angry, not like I deserved any less.

And the questions he had posed, _could_ I ever get his body back? I had been wondering for a while now, but there didn't seem to be anyway… it _was_ cruel to give him false hope. And maybe that night I _should_ have left him, maybe he would have been happier with mom, without me there to ruin everything.

"_I wish that you'd just die already"_

I flinched remembering that particular phrase, maybe I _should_ just die, it would help more people in the long run after all. I sat down in a small alley looking at my metal arm, I could turn it into a blade and cut or stab myself any number of places to kill myself… no, that option was out. Winry made this automail, if she ever found out that I had killed myself with it… she might stop working automail, and she loved automail, and she was so good at it, there were so many people that needed and deserved her skills, I couldn't deprive the world of that just because I had to leave it. I had to find a way that wouldn't hurt anyone more than necessary. Any more than them thinking it was a shame I was gone because they were fooled by my stupid innocent little kid looks. I glanced at the pile of trash next to me, I could transmute something to kill myself with, and since it was just trash no one would be too upset at me using the materials… no I didn't want to die from alchemy, even if it was just a weapon I made using alchemy, I had too much love and respect for the science to taint it with anymore blood.

I stood up again noticing dully that I was thoroughly soaked from the rain and shivering slightly from the cold but not paying any attention to it as I wandered out of the small town and into the forested area outside it if I couldn't find a proper way to kill myself maybe I'd luck out and catch pneumonia or something and die from that. Bacteria and viruses were like me, small but deadly, it would be almost poetic if that is how I go.

I followed a river for a little bit walking slowly watching the water as it jumped each time a rain drop hit the surface and small trickles of water from the banks flowed into the water, I sat down near a small pool, or was it a puddle, watching the ripples and jumps of the water thinking about all the things Al had said.

I _had_ chased dad away when he had come back… I didn't know for sure, I suppose it is possible, even feasible that he left because of me in the first place. Leor, that was certainly a mess, I had tried to take down a god again and I expected any different than that outcome? Really I was so stupid it should be illegal, it probably was, after all I had committed several explicitly illegal acts and countless more that were not specifically illegal but not particularly law abiding either.

Hughes, he had gotten killed because he was looking for information to help us, me.

Nina, if I hadn't pushed Tucker to make another talking chimera, or maybe he was unstable enough to do it anyway, but if I hadn't stuck my nose where it would be noticed I wouldn't have gotten kicked out of the house and at least could have been there to stop it before it was too late.

Mom, well that was a disaster no matter how you looked at it, and then what I did to Al after that.

He was right, of course he was right, I made him into that but he would be the one to pay the price if anyone found out. He didn't ask for any of it. And I probably wouldn't have survived a day if our bodies were switched and it was me in the armor. I looked at my metal arm again, I couldn't imagine not being able to feel, or smell, or taste. Even with my two metal limbs I still felt things in them, phantom limb pain, or if I jarred it I felt vibrations all the way up to my nerves, when the weather changed, I felt it too, and then I could feel the weight I may carry with my arm or put on my leg too. It was so unfair to him, why was it him that lost everything? Or was it to punish me more, to show me that I was not only stupid but that my actions had repercussions on other people too, I was not the only one to feel the effects of my stupid ideas.

I looked up as if the answers would be there when I noticed that I had been leaning against a small cliff, I stood up and studied it, it over looked the pool, and the pool, though very shallow had sharp rocks, I judged the height, about twenty feet, it should kill me if I jumped from there. I looked to see if there was an easy way to walk up there but couldn't find any so decided to just climb the slippery wet rock face. I got to the top and crawled to the edge looking down into the pool and rocks below.

I felt fear flow through me as instinct kicked in trying to tell me to preserve my own worthless hide. I shook the thought from my mind and stood on the edge eyeing what I hoped would be my doom, I probably couldn't get Al's body back for him, and even if I could who knew how many people I would hurt or kill before then, Al could find a way if there was one, he was the smarter of us, and the kinder, and all around better. I closed my eyes picturing his face, his real face. "I'm sorry Al; I never meant to hurt you like I have. Goodbye, and live well" I whispered stepping into air.

I felt myself fall and landed on my back, hitting my head next before bouncing up and landing again with excruciating pain on my left side, my arm screamed broken at me as I fell on top of it. I opened one eye wondering why I was still alive, as the stars cleared from my sight. I coughed weakly tasting iron in my mouth before it was washed out with the slightly muddy water that half covered my mouth and nose only to start filling with that awful iron taste again.

I couldn't move for the pain and dark gray and black spots started to colored my vision, maybe it was fitting, that I die slow like this, I could tell that it may not be anything strictly fatal but without immediate help it would be so. The cold water seeped around me stealing what was left of my body heat and I saw red being carried by the water and away. I closed my eye and let out a short pained breath, yes, no one cared and that was good, by the time some dumb hiker or someone found me I would be long dead.

I let myself drift off into unconsciousness as the pain in my body throbbed telling me that I was dying slowly but surely with each heartbeat pushing vital blood out of my veins and into the river. Al…

There were definitely good things about this metal body, Al thought, after all I don't have to leave for any reason. It had been three months since his attack on his brother. Ed still hadn't woken up, or shown any sign of being alive other than his chest moving up and down with his slow, shallow breathing, and the beeping of the heart monitor. Al had not left the room, and he only left his brother's side when the nursing staff needed to check on him, or change his bed sheets, clothes, or bandages. There were the occasional times when they took Ed to another room to work on him, like the time when they took the cast off his arm.

Al held tightly but not too tightly to his brother's hand while he sat at Ed's side keeping dedicated vigil over Ed. Al held on to his brother for two reasons, one was he hoped that if Ed could feel someone there with him he might wake up, and another was that Al was terrified that he would lose control if he didn't tether himself to the real world too.

"Big Brother… please wake up, I need you" Al whimpered stroking Ed's head gently, the hand holding Ed's rubbing the back of Ed's hand with a strong but gentle thumb in circles. "I really didn't mean any of it, please wake up so I can tell you and be sure that you can hear me, I'm sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted anything to happen to you. Just please wake up  
Big Brother, I need my Big Brother, please wake up."

I should, I should probably tell someone that brother is in the hospital. Al thought late at night looking at his still very much comatose sibling. No one even knew where they were.

The Colonel had sent Ed on a mission three days before the fight, but this wasn't the town they were sent to, they had never gotten there. This wasn't even on the way really it was just a town that they had been side tracked to since Ed's interest was perked by something that one of the passengers on the train had said and they had detoured here to check it out. Ed had never been entirely clear on what he thought was here, but regardless they had determined that it wasn't here, and still Ed had been putting off calling the Colonel to tell him where they were and that they might be late getting to the town they were supposed to go to.

Winry was in Rush Valley last time Al had any contact with her, and while it was far from odd that she had no idea where they were, she hadn't heard from them since they had left last time Ed needed fixing.

Anyone who really knew them had no idea where the Elrics were at the moment, or had been for nearly four months now. It was actually not that common that they dropped off everyone's radar for any length of time over a few days, Al usually cajoled Ed into telling someone where they were, or they were where they were supposed to be anyway. Al could only assume that people might be really worried about them, and anyway they had a right to know at least that much right?

Al looked from his brother's face to the heart monitor again humming softly in time with the rhythm that he had memorized by now. "Who should I call though? Winry would just worry same with Pinaco, the Colonel might be the best bet, but you'd hate that wouldn't you?" Al sighed. He had noticed that recently he seemed to talk to Ed like he was going to respond. Al feared that maybe he was losing touch with reality too much, and wondered if maybe he should call Winry instead, she could help ground him better than any of the adults in their life.

Al sighed sadly again petting his brother's head wishing that he had at least gone after his brother right away after the fight, if he couldn't have not said those things to begin with. "I miss you so much Brother, you might be all that kept me sane, I don't know what will happen to me without you. Please wake up, I don't want to go insane, I don't want to live like this, without you, I don't want you hurting."

Al left the room hesitantly, worried that Ed might wake up, or worse slip away, while he was out but Al really needed to talk to someone other than a doctor. He went to the phone and called Winry up.

"Hello Garfeil Automailer" Winry's voice came over the phone.

"Winry" Al said finding his vocabulary severely depleted.

"…Al? What's wrong, did Ed bust his automail again?" she asked but the usual threat of violence wasn't in her voice because she had heard his tone and knew that something was really wrong.

"…no, I don't think it's broken, Winry, Brother has been in a coma for…" Al glanced at the calendar hanging in the lobby with the phone "for four months and two days now" Al said slowly.

"…what happened?!"

"… I, I don't want to talk about it… at least not over the phone." Al said guilt welling up inside him again "Winry I just really needed someone to talk to… what if… what if brother never…"

"Al this is Ed, I'm sure he's going to wake up any time now. But Al why didn't you call sooner, are you ok?"

"…I didn't want to leave him," Al said "I kind of want to go back, what if he wakes up alone?"

Winry sighed "Ok go on Al, but I want to hear from you by tonight ok?"

"I'll call, I promise" Al said glad he had called her before he hung up and rushed back to the room Ed was sleeping in.

"Big Brother I'm back" Al said softly taking his seat up and gripping Ed's hand as if he had never left for any length of time. Al looked at his brother wishing he could have Winry's confidence, but she didn't know. She didn't know that Al, usually the reason Ed fought so hard, was why he was laid up, what if he didn't want to fight this time because he thought his reason to fight was against him?

That was when he noticed the subtle difference in Ed's face, the lines that Al had memorized long ago were deeper, and his mouth was turned slightly further down in a frown, his brow just barely furrowed. Al gripped his hand lifting it off the bed and holding it between his two large hands "Don't worry Brother, I'm right here, please don't worry" Al said softly praying that Ed would wake up. Slowly Ed's face relaxed back into the state it had been in for the duration of his coma. Al still held on to his brother's hand resting his metal forehead against the fingers curled gently over his own fingers. "Big Brother, please wake up… please wake up." Al whispered over and over

"Nh…" Al looked up wondering where that small sound had come from when he noticed that Ed's fingers were curled tight around his hand and his face was scrunched up like he was… dare Al hope, waking up.

Ed's eyes opened just barely before squeezing shut again and he blinked rapidly adjusting his eyes to the light in the room.

"Big Brother! Are you, are you really up!" Al gasped gripping Ed's hand like a life line least this be a hallucination.

Ed looked at him with half focused eyes "Al…?" he asked softly with a horse, unused voice.

Al felt like shouting for joy. "Brother oh brother, you really are awake thank goodness, I was so worried! I'm so sorry! Brother I really didn't mean any of what I said to you! I love you, I love you so much and I was so afraid I had lost you, please don't hate me!" Al said, in what would have been rushed into one breath if he needed to breathe, but still carried the same effect.

Ed winced trying to struggle into a sitting position; Al gently helped him sit up against the headboard of the bed. "Al" Ed said again looking confused before coughing.

"Oh! I bet your throat is dry, I'll get you some water!" Al said getting up and taking the glass of water that the nurses had given him, thinking he needed to drink, and going to the bathroom to make sure the water was fresh before he returned and held the glass to Ed's mouth. Ed sipped slowly looking tired. "Is that better?" Al asked after Ed was done drinking and he nodded slightly.

"Al, why?" Ed asked slowly after watching Al quietly for a moment before looking down at his lap "why are you… doing this for me…"

Al paused wondering what his brother was talking about, it was perfectly normal for him to be taking care of him, he was his brother. Then he realized that Ed had been unconscious for so long, he probably thought Al still was angry and hated him. "Brother," Al looked away "I didn't… Brother I don't hate you, I don't know why I said any of those things, when I found you… I, I thought you were dead, I was so scared, I didn't want you to die, I didn't mean to hurt you…"

"…you brought me here?"

Al nodded, even if he didn't have a throat that could constrict reducing speech, he still found when he got emotional that his voice could suffer the same distortions as normal peoples. "You've been in a coma for over four months."

"Sorry" Ed said looking away and out the small window. "do you… do you still want me to go away?" he asked after a long moment looking at Al with such heartbroken eyes that Al wanted to hug him tight and never let go, and never let anything hurt him ever again, but he was afraid he might hurt Ed if he did that, so he held back the impulse.

"No Big Brother, I love you, I love being with you, I can handle anything life could possibly throw at me as long as you are there. You mean everything to me, you are the best Big Brother in the world, and I obviously don't deserve you, because only an idiot would ever want you to go away if they had you." Al said strongly making sure that there was no waiver, no hesitation that Ed might read as a sign that the words were anything but the absolute and unchanging truth. "I just want you to say you forgive me for saying such awful lies to you… I just want my Big Brother to say he won't ever leave me, no matter what an idiot I am." Now his voice wasn't so strong, it was on the verge of tears and his armor shook, a part of his mind noted that how could he be anything but human since he had reactions like that, the body might not be able to fully pull it off, but his soul knew how to do it, felt like it had to do it, couldn't not do it even if he wanted to be strong for his brother.

Al was startled out of his thoughts when he noticed that Ed had pushed himself over and was hugging him as tightly as he could, shaking gently with soft sobs that he for once was making no effort to hide. "As long as you'll have me" Ed choked out "I'd do anything for you."

Al was a bit scared at the unusual display of affection and emotion from his brother but hugged Ed back careful to not hold too tight that he might hurt his brother, and they stayed like that shaking and crying, holding on to each other, both desperate to reaffirm their bond and tighten their respective lifelines, sure that they both were there, and alive.

Three days later Al helped Ed walk unsteadily out of the hospital, almost all of his injuries had healed while he was in a coma, it was just soreness and lack of using his muscles in so long that he had to deal with right now, and of course Ed was too stubborn to let them complete the therapy to strengthen his muscles back to normal yet before he wanted to go.

"Brother, maybe you shouldn't try walking so fast" Al sighed as Ed nearly tripped over again.

"I'm fine, the ground is uneven it's out to get me!" Ed growled. Al would have smiled, Ed would be ok, for a day or so, while Ed had still been uncharacteristically emotional and affectionate, and not even griping about being in the hospital, Al was worried that maybe something was wrong, and the brother he knew was replaced with another somehow, that maybe it _was_ brain damage. But now he was back to his usual self, and Al was glad, he wasn't always the easiest person to be around, but he was his brother and he didn't want it any other way. "You coming Al?" Ed asked and Al realized that Ed had gotten several yards ahead of him and was looking back, while Al had stopped walking.

"Yeah, sorry Brother" Al said jogging up to Ed. Ed smiled at him and they walked to the train station together.

**oh so angsty, and yet with a happy ending! thanks for reading, i am trying to work on the other stories, unfortuanly some may have to come down because... and i can't really blame Xilon for this... i recently lost the notebook that had the notes for where i was going on some of them... and i can't remember it... and Xilon will not give me either the old or new ideas, if anyone wants to adopt them i might do that just PM me if there is a story that you think you might want to take over.**

**the break down is that A Mile in My Shoes is about the only one i can't give over to anyone as the main character is me, and includes my high school friends, and none of the stories are gauranteed safe unfortuantly at least the unfinished chapter stories.**

**i am sorry about that, i don't like it when other authors never finish a good story, i don't want to be one of them but at this point it seems inevitable. i will try to work on them, but i make no promises anymore. i have learned that lesson.**

**anyway for this story. please push that button! pretty please!**


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